Bear Attack

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Made20bacon

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Pope

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

Trump talks illness, hair, and Medicine. 
Original Photo by Michael Vadon; Accessed at Wikpedia commons; cropped to fit.

Trump Talks About His Journey with Aggressive Hair Tumor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair.  Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about…

Shocking photos from NASA's New Horizons mission reveal that Pluto is not the trim dwarf planet we thought it was.

Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass. Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2,…

New England Journal's proposed swimsuit cover featured a salty shot of famed physician Sir William Osler on the beach.

Leading medical journal’s “Swimsuit Issue” scrapped after complaints

BOSTON, MA – Editors of the prestigious New England Journal were left scrambling this week to quell a firestorm of bad publicity after copies of a planned swimsuit edition were leaked to the public.  The illustrious publication had apparently hoped to replicate the timeless success of Sports Illustrated with a similar swimsuit special, entitled “Scholarly Bodies: Top Physicians Submit It All for Peer…

running-doctor

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Among other things, Astragalus root treats colds, diabetes, fibromyalgia, heart disease, weakness, nervous conditions, arthritis, asthma, high blood sugar, liver problems, breast cancer, spleen problems, urinary issues, and aging.

Oregon man appalled that doctor has not heard of his herbal supplement

TROUTDALE, OR – 42 year-old Brince Streeter was disgusted during his primary care visit last week when he had to explain the nature and purpose of Astragalus Root to his Primary Care Physician, Alicia Humsboldt. “I told her how I’ve been using Astragalus to improve my tissue oxygenation, and she just looks at me with this…

Original photo by Adam Ciesielski

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…