Among other things, Astragalus root treats colds, diabetes, fibromyalgia, heart disease, weakness, nervous conditions, arthritis, asthma, high blood sugar, liver problems, breast cancer, spleen problems, urinary issues, and aging.

Oregon man appalled that doctor has not heard of his herbal supplement

TROUTDALE, OR – 42 year-old Brince Streeter was disgusted during his primary care visit last week when he had to explain the nature and purpose of Astragalus Root to his Primary Care Physician, Alicia Humsboldt. “I told her how I’ve been using Astragalus to improve my tissue oxygenation, and she just looks at me with this…

Original photo by Adam Ciesielski

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…

The new attraction will feature preventable infectious disease from a rainbow of cultures and nations.

Disney’s “It’s a Small World” now features strong Pro-Vaccine message

Anaheim, CA – In an ingenious effort to combat a spate of bad publicity and promote public health after a high profile measles outbreak at one of its theme parks, Disney has re-tooled its iconic, “It’s a Small World” ride to feature a strong message about the benefits of vaccination. “Instead of simply seeing joyful…

Original photo by Hans Thoursie

Study finds Majority of Americans in Favor of Rationing Other People’s Healthcare

SEATTLE, WA – In these torrid days of healthcare upheaval, it’s hard to find much of anything that Americans can agree about.  That’s why a new study from the Journal of American Healthcare Economics is turning heads and raising eyebrows.  The study, seeking to learn more about public attitudes on healthcare spending, revealed an astonishing unity…

Original photo by Michael Lorenzo

Nurse Manager Receives 20-Year Service Award, No One Exactly Sure What She’s Been Doing All That Time

TOPEKA, KS – Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, KRZN, stood proudly on the stage of Topeka Memorial Hospital’s  Smith Auditorium last Friday as she received the hospital’s award for 20 years of distinguished service.  An elegant crystal paperweight and a certificate of gratitude were presented to honor her two decades of loyal work for Topeka Memorial. Nurse…

Medical Satire

Google Search Reveals that Iowa Man’s Headache is Probably a Brain Tumor

DES MOINES, IA – For 25 year-old Bill Whishtler, the news hit him in the face like a wet gym sock full of bricks.  Late Saturday night, after putting his symptoms into Google, he found out that the dull headache that had nagged him since he woke that morning was most likely the beginning of the end for him.…

Original photo by Marcelo Rabelo

Astounding Study Finds Puppies As Good As Many Anti-Depressant Medications

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A brilliant study published last month in the Journal of Unconventional Psychiatry finds that standard anti-depressant medications may not be the final answer in treating major depressive disorder.  Researchers at the University of Western San Francisco found that a program of regimented puppy exposure was as effective as first-line treatment with any one of the major first-line…

Hipster

World Health Organization Predicts Global Hipster Shortage in 2030

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force. “We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain.  We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps.…

Original photo by Ginny Austin

Georgia Grandmother Prefers Not to Talk About Grandson Who is in Medical School

ATHENS, GA – 82 year-old Rose Thrister admitted late last week to other residents of the Forever Springtime Independent Retirement Community that she’d rather not talk about her high-acheiving grandson, Chistopher Thrister. “I just can’t imagine that people want to hear me drone on about how handsome he turned out to be, or about how he’s…

Syphilis

I Got Syphilis! Which Pathogen Are You?

ARLINGTON, VA – From Harry Potter to Downton Abbey to David Bowie, on-line personality quizzes have become an annoyingly infectious internet sensation.  After responding to a simple set of questions, these websites assign users a fictional character who best matches their unique personality traits.  The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) picked up on the fad and…