Diagram_showing_T1-3_stages_of_prostate_cancer_CRUK_278.svg

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Recommends Against Screening Women for Prostate Cancer

WASHINGTON, DC – After recent ambiguous and controversial guidelines on breast cancer screening led to an angry outcry from the general public, the USPSTF has stepped back and decided to offer at least one firm and unequivocal stance on screening women for cancer. They agreed that most women should not be screened for prostate cancer (Level A…

Bear Attack

BREAKING: USDA Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC – After a hard-fought battle amongst power-brokers in the world of government food-suggestions, makers of the US Department of Agriculture’s “Food Pyramid” have unanimously agreed to add Girl Scout Cookies to the pinnacle of the pyramid. “Our latest edition of the Food Pyramid included exercise as part the program, but we realized that someone climbing…

Hospital Corpsman 2nd Class Jonathan Vandervis, assigned to the U.S. Navy flight demonstration squadron, the Blue Angels, visits a patient at Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital along with Quinny, a cocker spaniel pet therapy dog who visits patients at the hospital. Members of the Blue Angels visited the hospital while in Millington, Tenn., for the Memphis Air Show. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Amanda Sullivan/Released)

Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

Original photo by Adam Ciesielski

Surgical intern resolves to throw his weight around more in 2016

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center. “I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being…

Bear Attack

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Made20bacon

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Pope

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

Trump talks illness, hair, and Medicine. 
Original Photo by Michael Vadon; Accessed at Wikpedia commons; cropped to fit.

Trump Talks About His Journey with Aggressive Hair Tumor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair.  Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about…

Shocking photos from NASA's New Horizons mission reveal that Pluto is not the trim dwarf planet we thought it was.

Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass. Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2,…

New England Journal's proposed swimsuit cover featured a salty shot of famed physician Sir William Osler on the beach.

Leading medical journal’s “Swimsuit Issue” scrapped after complaints

BOSTON, MA – Editors of the prestigious New England Journal were left scrambling this week to quell a firestorm of bad publicity after copies of a planned swimsuit edition were leaked to the public.  The illustrious publication had apparently hoped to replicate the timeless success of Sports Illustrated with a similar swimsuit special, entitled “Scholarly Bodies: Top Physicians Submit It All for Peer…