WASHINGTON, DC – After months of a nagging, painful growth on the neck of the nation, America finally presented to the polls this week to have the suspicious-looking tumor examined.
After a Super-Tuesday biopsy, it indeed appears that this Trump-shaped tumor is invasive, fast growing, and terrifyingly malignant.
But where did this tumor come from? We here at the DME turned to political oncologist, Dr. Kathey Franklon to explain.
“This sickness is simply our own cells attacking us… it’s been part of our national genetic makeup for years and was simply waiting for the right time, the right environment, to thrive. This growing tumor is the worst part of our own nature: our selfishness, prejudice, ambition, and hatred taking shape into a spreading cancerous mass which replicates unchecked.” said Franklon.
Can this tumor be removed… extirpated?
“Judging from recent primaries, it seems it may be too late. For months, we had hoped it would just shrink and disappear. As we ignored this growing, ugly spot on our body, it invaded and expanded. It seems that the Trump-shaped tumor is not so much the beginning of the disease as it is the tip of the iceberg in a much more widespread cancer that has already metastasized throughout our national soul. Its tendrils have invaded organs where the country should be secreting compassion, acceptance, decency.”
Is there any hope? What is the prognosis?
“The tumor might eventually get so big that it outgrows its blood supply and rots from inside, but its impact as a part of who we are will leave foul scars that we carry with us for life. This Trump-shaped mass is only the outward manifestation of a much deeper problem with our country that will likely take years to heal… if it doesn’t kill us first.”
On that optimistic note, we here at the DME wish you wisdom and goodness this election season. We would also like to reassure Canada and our other neighbors around the world (who have been staring worriedly at the Trump-tumor on our neck for months now) that, seriously, we’re going to get it treated.