Vintage Hospital for Hipsters Opens in Seattle

SEATTLE, WA – It appears even hospitals aren’t immune to the nationwide war to win the loyalties and the wallets of America’s growing and aging population of hipsters. Just this month, UnifiedHealth group opened “Northwest Vintage Hospital” in downtown Seattle. Artisanal medications, meticulously restored iron lungs, compostable bandages, and a truly authentic medical experience await feverish millennials eager…

Hospital Chaplain has Gall to Use Code Blue Ring as Personal Pager Tone

CALEDONIA, ND – Disgust drenched the halls of UEND medical center early this week when various staff members learned that newly-arrived hospital chaplain, Prudence Thackering, MDiv, had the audacity to select the hospital’s “code blue” ring-tone as her own personal pager ring. “I just liked the way it sounded,” said Thackering. “She just what..!?” said second-year…

Food Scientist Says “Peeps” May Be Secret to Ending World Hunger

BETHLEHEM, PA – They are the fluffy, sugary spring-time treats you’ve grown up loving or hating, but you may not realize the power these tiny chicks punch. One self-proclaimed global health entrepreneur is turning to Marshmallow Peeps to put a stop to famine around the world. Independent “Food Scientist” Kevin Bliggerstop, B.A., who recently graduated with a…

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Recommends Against Screening Women for Prostate Cancer

WASHINGTON, DC – After recent ambiguous and controversial guidelines on breast cancer screening led to an angry outcry from the general public, the USPSTF has stepped back and decided to offer at least one firm and unequivocal stance on screening women for cancer. They agreed that most women should not be screened for prostate cancer (Level A…

BREAKING: USDA Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC – After a hard-fought battle amongst power-brokers in the world of government food-suggestions, makers of the US Department of Agriculture’s “Food Pyramid” have unanimously agreed to add Girl Scout Cookies to the pinnacle of the pyramid. “Our latest edition of the Food Pyramid included exercise as part the program, but we realized that someone climbing…

Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Disney’s “It’s a Small World” now features strong Pro-Vaccine message

Anaheim, CA – In an ingenious effort to combat a spate of bad publicity and promote public health after a high profile measles outbreak at one of its theme parks, Disney has re-tooled its iconic, “It’s a Small World” ride to feature a strong message about the benefits of vaccination. “Instead of simply seeing joyful…

Google Search Reveals that Iowa Man’s Headache is Probably a Brain Tumor

DES MOINES, IA – For 25 year-old Bill Whishtler, the news hit him in the face like a wet gym sock full of bricks.  Late Saturday night, after putting his symptoms into Google, he found out that the dull headache that had nagged him since he woke that morning was most likely the beginning of the end for him.…

Astounding Study Finds Puppies As Good As Many Anti-Depressant Medications

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A brilliant study published last month in the Journal of Unconventional Psychiatry finds that standard anti-depressant medications may not be the final answer in treating major depressive disorder.  Researchers at the University of Western San Francisco found that a program of regimented puppy exposure was as effective as first-line treatment with any one of the major first-line…

World Health Organization Predicts Global Hipster Shortage in 2030

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force. “We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain.  We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps.…

Scientists Confirm: “Cooties” Real and Highly Contagious

ATLANTA, GA – Just in time for Valentine’s Day, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta have confirmed that age-old fears about contraction of the childhood illness, “Cooties,” are indeed justified.  The virus responsible for childhood Cooties was identified in a high-security isolation laboratory late last week by a team of virologists…

Doo and You: What the Bristol Stool Chart Tells Us About Personality

BOSTON, MA – A study published in the Journal of Excremental Studies this week reveals new secrets from a timeless tool.  In 1997, the Bristol Stool Scale forever changed the way that we think about stool and, thus, life.  Distilling thousands of years of observation into a simple chart which encompasses the whole range of…

New Health Screening Tool Predicts Bear Attack Risk

The journal Annals of Primary Care and Wildlife Trauma has published a revolutionary new screening tool for busy primary care docs wondering whether their patient is at risk for bear-induced medical injury (BIMI).  Bear-induced medical injury and bear-related limb reduction (BRLR) have been a part of human existence for thousands of years, but this is a first…