MUST READ: How Clinton and Trump infected millions of American children with Alzheimer’s… appalling NOT fake news. SHARE WITH EVERYONE.

We here at the DME have stumbled on a story that NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT. We were shocked when our very reputable independent investigation, backed by solid research and trustworthy SCIENCE, revealed that the epidemic of dementia in American children was part of an insidious conspiracy between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to undermine…

BREAKING: Nurse Manager Insists Deceased Patient Must Wear Yellow Fall Socks

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Nurse manager Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, hasn’t seen a fall on the 13th floor of University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center in almost 7 months. That’s why she held a firm line this afternoon when nurses tried to bend the fall precaution rules while moving recently deceased Buster…

Food Scientist Says “Peeps” May Be Secret to Ending World Hunger

BETHLEHEM, PA – They are the fluffy, sugary spring-time treats you’ve grown up loving or hating, but you may not realize the power these tiny chicks punch. One self-proclaimed global health entrepreneur is turning to Marshmallow Peeps to put a stop to famine around the world. Independent “Food Scientist” Kevin Bliggerstop, B.A., who recently graduated with a…

Local Neurologist Stumped by Patient’s Persistent Crying After Diagnosis

  SOUTH NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Local neurologist, John Klinston, MD, was flummoxed this week by an unusual physiologic phenomenon in one of his patients, Paula Lansdowner, who he recently diagnosed with adult neuronal ceroid lipofuscinosis. “Liquid just keeps pouring out of her eyes!” marveled Dr. Klinston. Adult neuronal ceroid lipofuscinoses are a group of rare neurodegenerative disorders…

Surgical intern resolves to throw his weight around more in 2016

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center. “I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being…

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…

Nurse Manager Receives 20-Year Service Award, No One Exactly Sure What She’s Been Doing All That Time

TOPEKA, KS – Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, KRZN, stood proudly on the stage of Topeka Memorial Hospital’s  Smith Auditorium last Friday as she received the hospital’s award for 20 years of distinguished service.  An elegant crystal paperweight and a certificate of gratitude were presented to honor her two decades of loyal work for Topeka Memorial. Nurse…

Sir William Osler Was “Most Worthless” Student on the Wards

MONTREAL, CANADA – He may be the exalted father of modern medical education and the hallowed champion of medical reason, but devastating new evidence shows that Sir William Osler’s early beginnings in medicine were lackluster at best.  Recently uncovered academic reviews of his performance by upper level trainees at the McGill University’s medical college in…

Ben Affleck to Star as Depressed Batman in “Dark Knight of the Soul”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Everyone’s favorite superhero is getting a serious facelift. The Batman franchise is reborn, with it’s newest superstar, Ben Affleck, as the caped crusader.  No longer simply the glassy-eyed swoon of last decade’s romantic comedies, Affleck’s Dark Knight is about to shock and awe audiences with a gritty, real-life look at depression. “Movie-goers have…

Surgeon Finds Some Patients Don’t Appreciate His Little Experiment with Hugs

NORTHBINGER, CA – General Surgeon Jeff Britley, M.D., is touching patients in ways they never imagined.  After last year’s survey at the Northbinger Surgical Center indicated that he seemed “distant” or “rushed” during many patient visits, Dr. Britley made some dramatic changes to his bedside manner and patients have definitely noticed. “I decided I just…

Pioneering Surgeon Offers Amputation of Restless Legs

CALEDONIA, ND – Despite the recent approval of prescription medications used in the treatment of debilitating Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS), many patients continue to struggle with their illness even after medical treatment.  One daring general surgeon at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC) is taking his scalpel and bone saw in hand in order to…