President Trump picks Joe Camel to be nation’s new Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC – In yet another bold pick for his administration, newly-elected US President, Donald Trump, has selected a Washington outsider for the nation’s top medical post. He is bringing big-business insider, Joe Camel, out from retirement to make American healthcare “great again.” “He brings a lot of fantastic experience from the corporate world. He’s…

Coaches say Tony Romo really making tracks with new walker

ARLINGTON, TX – Coaches for the Dallas Cowboys announced that Tony Romo, their gracefully aging superstar, is finally starting to bounce back after being sidelined this year by pre-season compression fractures. He’s been through months of hard work with rehabilitation, but trainers say adding a new rolling walker last week was a massive breakthrough. “You should see him…

Vintage Hospital for Hipsters Opens in Seattle

SEATTLE, WA – It appears even hospitals aren’t immune to the nationwide war to win the loyalties and the wallets of America’s growing and aging population of hipsters. Just this month, UnifiedHealth group opened “Northwest Vintage Hospital” in downtown Seattle. Artisanal medications, meticulously restored iron lungs, compostable bandages, and a truly authentic medical experience await feverish millennials eager…

Dallas Cowboys Call Palliative Care Consult for Tony Romo

ARLINGTON, TX – After another devastating physical setback for veteran quarterback Tony Romo, America’s Team has decided to take a new approach to medical care for its aging centerpiece. Romo, who suffered a compression fracture of his L1 vertebra in late August, has been the victim of numerous health-related challenges in recent seasons. “Our current approach of…

Health Breakthrough: Doritos Offers Plastic Claw to Help American Kids Reach Its Newest Flavor.

PLANO, TX – Frito-Lay, Inc., made the breathtaking announcement this week that it’s newest flavor, Salsa Verde, will also include a 2-foot plastic claw (called the “SnackMaster”) which will help facilitate hours of wholesome snacking satisfaction for the children of America. Frito-Lay’s chief of publicity, Martin Drimmler, offered us at the DME his take on…

Hospital Chaplain has Gall to Use Code Blue Ring as Personal Pager Tone

CALEDONIA, ND – Disgust drenched the halls of UEND medical center early this week when various staff members learned that newly-arrived hospital chaplain, Prudence Thackering, MDiv, had the audacity to select the hospital’s “code blue” ring-tone as her own personal pager ring. “I just liked the way it sounded,” said Thackering. “She just what..!?” said second-year…

Doctor’s Little Tantrums Really Starting to Transform Hospital Culture

Caledonia, ND – It’s been four years since staff hospitalist, Yudwar Pheshmeyni started his noble campaign to change UEND Medical Center. He began with an angry outburst on the 4th flour, directed at the hospital’s electronic medical record system, which has been known to occasionally freeze during the entry of admission orders. As he shouted alone in the…

Local Neurologist Stumped by Patient’s Persistent Crying After Diagnosis

  SOUTH NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Local neurologist, John Klinston, MD, was flummoxed this week by an unusual physiologic phenomenon in one of his patients, Paula Lansdowner, who he recently diagnosed with adult neuronal ceroid lipofuscinosis. “Liquid just keeps pouring out of her eyes!” marveled Dr. Klinston. Adult neuronal ceroid lipofuscinoses are a group of rare neurodegenerative disorders…

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Recommends Against Screening Women for Prostate Cancer

WASHINGTON, DC – After recent ambiguous and controversial guidelines on breast cancer screening led to an angry outcry from the general public, the USPSTF has stepped back and decided to offer at least one firm and unequivocal stance on screening women for cancer. They agreed that most women should not be screened for prostate cancer (Level A…

BREAKING: USDA Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC – After a hard-fought battle amongst power-brokers in the world of government food-suggestions, makers of the US Department of Agriculture’s “Food Pyramid” have unanimously agreed to add Girl Scout Cookies to the pinnacle of the pyramid. “Our latest edition of the Food Pyramid included exercise as part the program, but we realized that someone climbing…

Surgical intern resolves to throw his weight around more in 2016

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center. “I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being…

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Trump Talks About His Journey with Aggressive Hair Tumor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair.  Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about…