Coaches say Tony Romo really making tracks with new walker

ARLINGTON, TX – Coaches for the Dallas Cowboys announced that Tony Romo, their gracefully aging superstar, is finally starting to bounce back after being sidelined this year by pre-season compression fractures. He’s been through months of hard work with rehabilitation, but trainers say adding a new rolling walker last week was a massive breakthrough. “You should see him…

BREAKING: Nurse Manager Insists Deceased Patient Must Wear Yellow Fall Socks

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Nurse manager Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, hasn’t seen a fall on the 13th floor of University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center in almost 7 months. That’s why she held a firm line this afternoon when nurses tried to bend the fall precaution rules while moving recently deceased Buster…

Dallas Cowboys Call Palliative Care Consult for Tony Romo

ARLINGTON, TX – After another devastating physical setback for veteran quarterback Tony Romo, America’s Team has decided to take a new approach to medical care for its aging centerpiece. Romo, who suffered a compression fracture of his L1 vertebra in late August, has been the victim of numerous health-related challenges in recent seasons. “Our current approach of…

Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Study finds Majority of Americans in Favor of Rationing Other People’s Healthcare

SEATTLE, WA – In these torrid days of healthcare upheaval, it’s hard to find much of anything that Americans can agree about.  That’s why a new study from the Journal of American Healthcare Economics is turning heads and raising eyebrows.  The study, seeking to learn more about public attitudes on healthcare spending, revealed an astonishing unity…

Georgia Grandmother Prefers Not to Talk About Grandson Who is in Medical School

ATHENS, GA – 82 year-old Rose Thrister admitted late last week to other residents of the Forever Springtime Independent Retirement Community that she’d rather not talk about her high-acheiving grandson, Chistopher Thrister. “I just can’t imagine that people want to hear me drone on about how handsome he turned out to be, or about how he’s…

A Shih Tzu in a Coma, a Family Torn Apart

ST. PAUL, MN – After watching and hoping for nearly 3 years as their 15 year old Shih Tzu “Schnitzel” languished in the veterinary ICU in a persistent vegitative state, the Krowaltsky family has decided to withdraw life support on their dear friend.  The decision has strained both their emotions and their fragile family relationships.…

Republican Hospital Admissions Soar in the Wake of Election

Hospital Emergency Departments have been ravaged by the flood of Republicans seeking medical attention in the wake of the nation’s recent national elections.  Patients, predominately white males ranging from 35 to 85 years old, have arrived in hoards at emergency departments from coast to coast with a complex of symptoms which is quickly becoming so…

Power Chairs and the Fall of Civilization

WARNING:  This post contains dystopian imagery which may be frightening to some readers. DME EDITORIAL – The following warning regarding motorized wheelchairs must be prefaced by acknowledging the significant population of patients, including those with amputations, victims of stroke, sufferers of destructive joint disease, and many others, whose lives have been bettered by the existence…

2012 Geriatrics Conference Ends in Violence

MEADOWTON, VT – A quiet, bed-and-breakfast town in Vermont got a rude introduction to the gritty and sometimes tempestuous world of Geriatrics this week when the 2012 National Academy of Geriatrics conference turned ugly.  A seemingly harmless debate about management of inpatient delirium that broke out in one of the afternoon plenary sessions quickly escalated…

Wisconsin Oncologist Caught in Attempt to Deliver Another Round

KEWAUSHIN, WI – A local oncologist, whose name has not yet been released to the public, had to be escorted from the premises of the Autumn Pathways Hospice Center on Monday after he was caught in a patient’s room with three days worth of chemotherapeutic drugs stuffed inside of a large “get-well” bear.  Hospice nurses became suspicious…