President Trump picks Joe Camel to be nation’s new Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC – In yet another bold pick for his administration, newly-elected US President, Donald Trump, has selected a Washington outsider for the nation’s top medical post. He is bringing big-business insider, Joe Camel, out from retirement to make American healthcare “great again.” “He brings a lot of fantastic experience from the corporate world. He’s…

Health Breakthrough: Doritos Offers Plastic Claw to Help American Kids Reach Its Newest Flavor.

PLANO, TX – Frito-Lay, Inc., made the breathtaking announcement this week that it’s newest flavor, Salsa Verde, will also include a 2-foot plastic claw (called the “SnackMaster”) which will help facilitate hours of wholesome snacking satisfaction for the children of America. Frito-Lay’s chief of publicity, Martin Drimmler, offered us at the DME his take on…

Food Scientist Says “Peeps” May Be Secret to Ending World Hunger

BETHLEHEM, PA – They are the fluffy, sugary spring-time treats you’ve grown up loving or hating, but you may not realize the power these tiny chicks punch. One self-proclaimed global health entrepreneur is turning to Marshmallow Peeps to put a stop to famine around the world. Independent “Food Scientist” Kevin Bliggerstop, B.A., who recently graduated with a…

BREAKING: USDA Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC – After a hard-fought battle amongst power-brokers in the world of government food-suggestions, makers of the US Department of Agriculture’s “Food Pyramid” have unanimously agreed to add Girl Scout Cookies to the pinnacle of the pyramid. “Our latest edition of the Food Pyramid included exercise as part the program, but we realized that someone climbing…

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…

Study finds Majority of Americans in Favor of Rationing Other People’s Healthcare

SEATTLE, WA – In these torrid days of healthcare upheaval, it’s hard to find much of anything that Americans can agree about.  That’s why a new study from the Journal of American Healthcare Economics is turning heads and raising eyebrows.  The study, seeking to learn more about public attitudes on healthcare spending, revealed an astonishing unity…

World Health Organization Predicts Global Hipster Shortage in 2030

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force. “We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain.  We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps.…

I Got Syphilis! Which Pathogen Are You?

ARLINGTON, VA – From Harry Potter to Downton Abbey to David Bowie, on-line personality quizzes have become an annoyingly infectious internet sensation.  After responding to a simple set of questions, these websites assign users a fictional character who best matches their unique personality traits.  The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) picked up on the fad and…

Simulation Dummy Has Pulse, But Cannot Feel Love

AUSTIN, TX – The ELVIN2.0 dummy is the most advanced medical simulation mannequin available, and he has made his way into the classrooms of medical institutions across the nation.  Our DME Medical Product Ethics and Humanities Investigation Team went to Zestropharmica‘s R&D headquarters in Austin to learn more about this amazing device.   “He breathes, he talks, he…

New Health Screening Tool Predicts Bear Attack Risk

The journal Annals of Primary Care and Wildlife Trauma has published a revolutionary new screening tool for busy primary care docs wondering whether their patient is at risk for bear-induced medical injury (BIMI).  Bear-induced medical injury and bear-related limb reduction (BRLR) have been a part of human existence for thousands of years, but this is a first…

Death Panel Outraged by Healthcare Website Delays

WASHINGTON, DC – As victims of yet another disappointment in a long string of broken promises from the current administration, members of the famed Affordable Care Act Death Panel (ACADP) have found themselves once again standing in the ashes of scorched dreams. “I got into this to limit our nation’s over-spending on old people…and I’m…

Mediterranean Cruise Allows Destitute Doctors to Share Woes

ATHENS, GREECE – Medical and Surgical sub-specialists, indignant over falling pay and declining quality of life, have united again this year at the American Medical Association’s annual “Western Healthcare INcome and Equality” (WHINE) forum.  This one week cruise of sparkling waters and spectacular sun-bleached islands is just the thing that these beleaguered docs need to…

Study Finds 98% of Toddlers Against Routine Immunization

VISTACREST, CO – It appears parents aren’t the only ones worried about the effects of aggressive vaccination schedules in Western medicine.  A new study published this week in the Journal of Alternative Immunotherapy suggests that nearly 98% of children aged 2-3 are strongly opposed to the current practice of routine childhood vaccination. The study was elegant…