Naïve little cookie dough container vainly warns people not to eat it raw.

TOLEDO, OH – In a charming display of naiveté, a Toll House cookie dough container in Toledo made futile attempts this week to warn consumers NOT to eat raw cookie dough. “It’s cute, really,” said college sophomore, Brad Birdgens, who had just finished his second helping of raw chocolate chip cookie dough at the time of our interview. “I remember when I had…

Coaches say Tony Romo really making tracks with new walker

ARLINGTON, TX – Coaches for the Dallas Cowboys announced that Tony Romo, their gracefully aging superstar, is finally starting to bounce back after being sidelined this year by pre-season compression fractures. He’s been through months of hard work with rehabilitation, but trainers say adding a new rolling walker last week was a massive breakthrough. “You should see him…

BREAKING: Nurse Manager Insists Deceased Patient Must Wear Yellow Fall Socks

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Nurse manager Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, hasn’t seen a fall on the 13th floor of University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center in almost 7 months. That’s why she held a firm line this afternoon when nurses tried to bend the fall precaution rules while moving recently deceased Buster…

Vintage Hospital for Hipsters Opens in Seattle

SEATTLE, WA – It appears even hospitals aren’t immune to the nationwide war to win the loyalties and the wallets of America’s growing and aging population of hipsters. Just this month, UnifiedHealth group opened “Northwest Vintage Hospital” in downtown Seattle. Artisanal medications, meticulously restored iron lungs, compostable bandages, and a truly authentic medical experience await feverish millennials eager…

Health Breakthrough: Doritos Offers Plastic Claw to Help American Kids Reach Its Newest Flavor.

PLANO, TX – Frito-Lay, Inc., made the breathtaking announcement this week that it’s newest flavor, Salsa Verde, will also include a 2-foot plastic claw (called the “SnackMaster”) which will help facilitate hours of wholesome snacking satisfaction for the children of America. Frito-Lay’s chief of publicity, Martin Drimmler, offered us at the DME his take on…

Doctor’s Little Tantrums Really Starting to Transform Hospital Culture

Caledonia, ND – It’s been four years since staff hospitalist, Yudwar Pheshmeyni started his noble campaign to change UEND Medical Center. He began with an angry outburst on the 4th flour, directed at the hospital’s electronic medical record system, which has been known to occasionally freeze during the entry of admission orders. As he shouted alone in the…

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Recommends Against Screening Women for Prostate Cancer

WASHINGTON, DC – After recent ambiguous and controversial guidelines on breast cancer screening led to an angry outcry from the general public, the USPSTF has stepped back and decided to offer at least one firm and unequivocal stance on screening women for cancer. They agreed that most women should not be screened for prostate cancer (Level A…

Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

Surgical intern resolves to throw his weight around more in 2016

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center. “I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being…

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

Trump Talks About His Journey with Aggressive Hair Tumor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair.  Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about…

Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass. Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2,…

Leading medical journal’s “Swimsuit Issue” scrapped after complaints

BOSTON, MA – Editors of the prestigious New England Journal were left scrambling this week to quell a firestorm of bad publicity after copies of a planned swimsuit edition were leaked to the public.  The illustrious publication had apparently hoped to replicate the timeless success of Sports Illustrated with a similar swimsuit special, entitled “Scholarly Bodies: Top Physicians Submit It All for Peer…

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Oregon man appalled that doctor has not heard of his herbal supplement

TROUTDALE, OR – 42 year-old Brince Streeter was disgusted during his primary care visit last week when he had to explain the nature and purpose of Astragalus Root to his Primary Care Physician, Alicia Humsboldt. “I told her how I’ve been using Astragalus to improve my tissue oxygenation, and she just looks at me with this…

Study finds Majority of Americans in Favor of Rationing Other People’s Healthcare

SEATTLE, WA – In these torrid days of healthcare upheaval, it’s hard to find much of anything that Americans can agree about.  That’s why a new study from the Journal of American Healthcare Economics is turning heads and raising eyebrows.  The study, seeking to learn more about public attitudes on healthcare spending, revealed an astonishing unity…