Health Breakthrough: Doritos Offers Plastic Claw to Help American Kids Reach Its Newest Flavor.

PLANO, TX – Frito-Lay, Inc., made the breathtaking announcement this week that it’s newest flavor, Salsa Verde, will also include a 2-foot plastic claw (called the “SnackMaster”) which will help facilitate hours of wholesome snacking satisfaction for the children of America. Frito-Lay’s chief of publicity, Martin Drimmler, offered us at the DME his take on…

Disney’s “It’s a Small World” now features strong Pro-Vaccine message

Anaheim, CA – In an ingenious effort to combat a spate of bad publicity and promote public health after a high profile measles outbreak at one of its theme parks, Disney has re-tooled its iconic, “It’s a Small World” ride to feature a strong message about the benefits of vaccination. “Instead of simply seeing joyful…

Scientists Confirm: “Cooties” Real and Highly Contagious

ATLANTA, GA – Just in time for Valentine’s Day, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta have confirmed that age-old fears about contraction of the childhood illness, “Cooties,” are indeed justified.  The virus responsible for childhood Cooties was identified in a high-security isolation laboratory late last week by a team of virologists…

Study Finds 98% of Toddlers Against Routine Immunization

VISTACREST, CO – It appears parents aren’t the only ones worried about the effects of aggressive vaccination schedules in Western medicine.  A new study published this week in the Journal of Alternative Immunotherapy suggests that nearly 98% of children aged 2-3 are strongly opposed to the current practice of routine childhood vaccination. The study was elegant…

Big Pharma Brings Jobs to Unemployed Island Children

OAREN, YUARU – Under fire for animal testing, ZestroPharmica‘s skin-care line Dermagizer has launched a new animal-friendly line of cosmetics, specifically formulated to keep North American animal lovers happy and wrinkle-free.  In the eyes of animal rights activists, ZestroPharmica’s animal research lab had become a leading offender in the mistreatment of fellow mammals – a place where innocent rats…

DME Special Olympic Report: Ugly Underbelly of Badminton Exposed

LONDON, UK – While scandal surrounding recent thrown badminton matches is garnering international attention, the hubbub is a temporary distraction from even darker aspects of the popular lawn-party past-time – namely a culture of performance enhancing drug abuse and rampant child exploitation. Although it seems disgraceful to pansy one’s way to losing an early match…

New Study Links Childhood Vaccines to Bad Manners Later in Life

WATERS, GA – A new report released in this month’s issue of the American Journal of Etiquette added fuel to criticism of mass childhood vaccination by illuminating the shocking association between vaccination schedules and poor social adjustment in adulthood.  For twenty years, researchers followed a cohort of patients who received childhood vaccinations; at follow-up intervals,…